Educators are expected to fulfill many responsibilities these days. Imparting knowledge and inspiring a lifelong love of learning are foundational, but words like coach, mentor, role model and confidant come to mind when thinking of how many of our students view their teachers.

No matter how dynamic, charismatic or life changing an educator can be in a student’s life, there is no person who will have a bigger impact on a child’s life than their parents or guardians. As a father who has learned this more through failure, we set an example each and every day for our impressionable children through our words, behaviors and interactions with others.



As human beings, we too often mix messages of unconditional love of our children with less noble emotions such as pride, anger, resentment, envy, “not getting our due respect”, believing that outside, unfair circumstances are the reason for our own troubles; or even seeking to get-back at someone who we perceive has done us wrong. We may not realize it, but children watch our every action and listen to all we say. As imperfect people, we as parents all have bad days when we are not being our best self. Unfortunately our children have an innate desire to please us by talking and acting like we do.

We live in a society where teachers, administrators and support staff are being held to the highest level of accountability in recent memory. With the exception of only police officers, no other profession outside of education presents a daily pitfall that an unpleasant interaction with a disrespectful or unruly student will result in a firestorm of unforeseen consequences. Too often these situations involve parents who act as fierce advocates for their children regardless of the sometimes outrageous nature of their behavior.

Our natural reaction as parents is to defend our children in the face of any real or perceived danger. Books and movies are filled with tales of heroic parents who fight for their children against all odds against injustice. School settings, however, are far removed from Hollywood. Too often our parental reaction when our child is disciplined is to seek blame from everyone involved except one person: our own child.

Imposing positive discipline on our children can be a painful experience. Personally I often leave the discussion wondering whether I conveyed the right message, said the appropriate things or was too heavy or too light with my language. It leaves me with a pit in my stomach and a sadness of heart. We are blessed with a loving, stable extended family that provides support and security for our family. Having such conversations can only be more difficult for those families struggling with their own challenging dynamics or economic hardships.

While there are undoubtedly instances when educators cross the line or certain students present a legitimate harm to others, there are many instances in our children’s lives when they simply have made a bad choice. Such actions result in consequences. While there certainly are unique factors to every incident, we have a hard time as parents practicing the same kind of accountability for us and our children as we expect from our educators.

Much has changed since I started coaching youth sports some 30 years ago. One constant, however, is that if you offer a young person an excuse as to why something went wrong; they will gladly accept it as the sole reason for misfortune. “The ref made a bad call”, “my teammate didn’t do what they were supposed to”, “the coach doesn’t like me” or “my opponent is cheating or talking bad to me” are just a few of the justifications I have heard from young players as to why things didn’t turn-out as expected. Sadly, it has become more common to hear the same thing from some of their parents.

We cannot fight the passage of time, and our children grow-up sooner than we all like. Unfortunately some of those excuses I hear on the fields and courts turn into more lasting sentiments like “My boss doesn’t like me”, “my spouse doesn’t understand me”, “I would have accomplished ______ if ______ didn’t happen; or, more pertinent to this topic: “It was all the teacher’s fault why my child acted that way”. Sadly, our children pick-up quickly when we reinforce the message that it is someone else’s fault for their behavior.

A powerful message that I heard years ago was that we are all in charge of our own stories. We can choose to let someone else write the narrative, or we can be in charge of our own success despite adversity. I have tried to stress this message to young people through sports, but the concept takes on great significance when applied to the pursuit of a better education for our children.

Too often we shy away from discussing the role of parenting to avoid the possibility of offending someone. It is hard to deny, however, the powerful role that parenting plays in a child’s education. Holding teachers and educational leaders accountable will always be part of the public conversation, but we must also be willing to require the same of parents. While all families in Naugatuck are unique, parenting with core values of respect, personal responsibility, honesty, tolerance and humility are universal.